


Colorblind in a breath taking technicolor world; a suicide note

by SapphicAndSarcastic



Series: The Life chronicles of Robin S [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Gen, M/M, Mental Illness, Sad?, implied self harm, implied suicide, kind of irreverant, real talk, suicide note, this is literally a suicide note so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 09:55:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphicAndSarcastic/pseuds/SapphicAndSarcastic
Summary: Ryan swan dives off the Long Island bridge, and this is his written legacy.





	Colorblind in a breath taking technicolor world; a suicide note

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this is literally a charcter's suicide note so if you're sensitive to this topic... for the love of god go away. Sorry if the tone of this piece seems a little irreverant, please keep in mind that sadness manifests differently for everyone, and this is simply how Ryan would cope with this heavy topic.

Dear Whoever finds this,

To begin, I'm sorry for any inconvenience this causes you, I'm hoping in the long run that this decision will result in _less_ inconvenience for you (and everyone).

I'm sure you have many questions along the lines of " _how did this happen?_ " and most likely " _Why_?" Let me begin with the most concise and simple answer: _I was done with being alive and all the "perks" that come with it_. In other words, it became tedious to preform daily tasks, it was a pressing strain everyday to will myself to get out bed, every morning became a small fight to open my eyes, or get dresses, or even to do something as basic as breathing.

My therapist gave me some sage advice a while back; I had once asked her the ever infamous rhetorical question I'm sure every therapist must hear at least once in their career... "What's the point?" She spouted some bullshit about "finding beauty in everything" and "it's the little things in life" and "your future is bright" and all that kind of stuff. Of course I've heard all of that before, but right as I was zoning out, she looked at me dead in the eye and said, "Real talk, there is no set purpose to life, maybe things don't have any hidden beauty and its possible that anyone's future doesn't hold much more change than it does the same shitty present...and if you think about it, maybe there truly isn't any good in the world...but it's not really about being good or bad, it's about being alive." Then as I was leaving the appointment she tells me "I want you to find your fight. Come back here next week with real spirit! I want you to walk into this office boiling with passion and will and the burning desire to take back your life...honestly, fuck getting out of bed, fuck smiling because you saw a flower, fuck dreaming about a better life-I don't care if do that shit, I want you to find something that makes you _feel alive_! Reconnect with your primal emotions to survive." She can be somewhat boring sometimes, but sometimes she just tells me the absolute rawest shit ever. Anyway, the fact that I'm writing this proves I never did find what makes me burn, but her words really inspired me for a while. Those words kept a small fire going fora few solid months. But just like any fire, no matter how primal or passionate, it can be put out.

To be honest, I felt the ice creeping up on me ever since I turned 14, but to keep burning for 4 years seems at least somewhat impressive to me. I don't know specially when that ice that finally overrode that one last dying ember inside me, but one morning I woke up and it was gone. Totally gone. Not dying or weak or anything I'd ever felt before. Every ounce of will inside me felt stolen. Am i mad as I write this because I feel cheated? Hell yeah. I honestly believe I deserved a better time here. Not to say my childhood wasn't good, or my friends weren't supportive, or people didn't try hard enough to save me, because I truly believe all effort was made and I really do appreciate that. but ultimately, a little bit of brain chemistry gone rogue proved stronger than anything.

Moving on to exactly _why_ :  
-I was sad (a given)  
-I was angry at myself  
-I was angry with the world  
-I gave up on everything  
-I felt powerless and out of control  
-I felt like a burden  
-I felt like I truly wasn't meant to be here  
-I felt colorblind in a world of jewel-toned, breath taking beauty that I wasn't privy to

Apologies:  
-I'm sorry to Robin, I promise this has nothing to do with you, you really are awesome in the most poetic sense of the word  
-I'm sorry to Mom and Dad, you really were the best parents I could ask for and I love you so much  
-I'm sorry to my therapist, because I never found my gasoline on this path  
-I'm sorry to whoever finds me first (hopefully sooner rather than later)  
-I'm sorry to whoever has to deal with this as a legal hassle  
-I'm sorry to my best friend, you tried your hardest, please don't blame yourself  
-I'm really fucking sorry to myself, honestly, I deserved better

  
To conclude; I'm really fucking sorry and I hope you all find it within yourselves to forgive me.


End file.
